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[Mar. 23rd, 2010|12:03 am] |
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just so y'all know, i rarely use this journal, particularly not to write about anything of much importance; largely, if ever, just to record things that have happened. ask me if you want to access my 'real' journal. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 18th, 2009|11:05 am] |
i had a really awesome weekend. and it was all the more awesome for not conforming to the stereotypes of what this weekend (valentines) 'should' have been like. for the purpose of this post, i am using weekend to actually cover the period from friday morning to tuesday night, because that was how long i was away from home. this entry is likely to be the closest i come to simply recounting events as they happen in a long while, theoretical musings belong elsewhere, and i like to remember what i've done.
on friday morning, after waking up an hour late and struggling with my printer for a little while, i made my way to a meeting of a steering committee that i sit on for a research project (it's trans and student related, but it's not relevant exactly what it is). on the way there i telephoned the organisation and explained that i didn't have a hard copy of the report and asked if they could prepare one for me for when i arrived. i'm aware that that sounds like a strange point to priviledge the recording of, but i enjoyed how it made me feel. i am always the youngest person in the room at these meetings, and yet i seem to often be the one who swoops in at the last minute and quells the brewing drama, as well as offering a sensible option to resolve the issue. they've asked me to lead a strand of their conference next month. i think they really like me. and i think they really respect me. and i always seem to win in debates with someone who is, in my opinion, neither a nice person, nor works for a nice organisation, but is 'more qualified' than me. and i'm currently in the process of applying for a job in their organisation. please cross everything you have for me.
after the meeting and a few moments of 'networking', i walked to euston, collected my first class ticket without having to type in the code on the fiddly touch-screen (it's the little things), posted some important letters, bought a copy of GQ, and settled down to reading it on the train with my complimentary sandwich, apple and g&t. this month there's a 'style' supplement which basically lays out all my current thinking about aesthetics. there were interesting articles, none that stick with me, but the kind it is fun to read on the train on a journey you know well, while listening to the in-'flight' radio. when i grow up i want to be a male model. or don draper.
in manchester, i met my partner from work in her appropriately <i>mad men</i> secretarial wear and we re-aclimatised over soft drinks, then giggled over cocktails, bar hopping through the northern quarter. tipsy, we ate at a familiar resturant, then went back, a year later, to the bar where the umsu lgbt were holding a party, we stayed for only a short wile, and mostly both flirted with gayboys. confusing most people. it was very different, but neither of us would've wanted it to be the same.
saturday was all about queer domesticity. i'd quite like it if my whole life were about queer domesticity. mia and i drove to the supermarket, her looking like a dyke and me a gay man (do i ever not? it was an outfit i recycled yesterday and was told was 'very manly', actually...), and tried to shop for cooked breakfast, picnic foods, mia's lunches for the week, valentines dinner, and communal house groceries, all at once. everything we do is queer. i love it.
after a perfectly orchestrated breakfast (bar one piece of burnt toast) and some discussions about the class connotations of various types of tomatoes, we decided between the three of us that the best way to spend the day would be to watch back-to-back drag movies and drink rum and some-strange-drinks-mix-we'd-found-in-the-sainsbury-that-had-lime-and-mint-in. before that even began i was wearing lipstick and a wig cap, and by twenty minutes into pricilla, the livingroom had organically developed into a drag parlor, with rob and myself extravagantly painting our faces, and mia in a shocking-pink wig. pictures will appear on fb in due course.
rob went out half way through clueless (which came after the birdcage) to some queer-tranny performance theatre, and i cooked mia a steak dinner and we discussed scary future things (after a few glasses of wine).
i woke up on sunday having been dreaming in detail about being a part of someone's wedding, though i didn't know whose by the time i was awake, and spent an hour half-sleeping trying to figure out the finer details of my own wedding, especially the conundrum of a best man.
sunday was a day my parents would have been proud of. after blueberry pancakes, mia and i drove around the peak district, though we couldn't actually see anything above a certain distance above sea level because of the mist which allowed us at most, visibility 10 metres ahead, and none to the sides. i suspect there were even more sheer drops to the side of the road than i could tell, and as much as i'd like to do it in fair weather, i'm a little scared of the view. we stopped off in buxton first, where we wandered around the park and then boutiques and both bought amber jewelry to supplement mia's earrings from the old town at christmas 2007. in the park an older lesbian couple looked straight through us as if we didn't exist. it was good to spend proper time with mia and discuss some of the practical and some of the more theoretical concerns we have about growing up and changing. we stopped on the way back in chapel-en-le-frith for cafe food and to giggle at the local tourist information, the observer, and heat magazine. sunday afternoon was spent eating a bed-picnic and watching four episodes of bsg with obligatory megavideo breaks. i enjoy watching it with mia because she remembers all the little (or not so little) details that i forget, having only seen it once. and i'm getting over how stupid discussing politics with her makes me feel.
when rob got home we were submitted to over an hour of is-he-lying-about-this-or-isn't-he which eventually devolved into a conversation about sluttiness and probably also cake, if i recall rightly. while rob and mia chatted on mia's bed, i sent messages back and forth to someone lovely with whom i had a brief and prematurely/abruptly ended romance. as with many things, i can't imagine trying to live my life normatively with regard to relationships any more. spending time being close with only one person on valentines day? nothankyou. three felt like too few.
i arrived in oxford at quarter to 1 in the afternoon on monday, with every intention of being at home, in bed, asleep, by quarter to one that night. as it was, i think i was still in the student bar at that point. oxford got more beautiful the more time i spent there. i'm sure i could spend at least one afternoon in the stores along the turl alone had i any money, and there are many delightful cafes. charlie was a total sweetheart and, upon having realised a few weeks ago my obsession with brideshead, offered to show me into some of the colleges for free with his student card. she didn't really know the way around too well though, so perhaps i'll go back some other time with someone else. it was very fun to realise as i got to a point half way around it, that the fountain i was stood by was the mercury that blanche got dunked in. walking back to charlie's room we bumped into two trannies in the street, all at once, but unrelatedly. i think i baffled charlie and harriet by literally falling about in stiches as a response to the eddie-izzard-off i found myself almost immediately having with their friend luke, who i later found changed his date plans for the evening to attend my workshop, bringing both his 7pm date and his partner who he was supposed to be seeing after that along.
the workshop, which was the main reason i was in oxford, went wonderfully. it's rare that i feel challenged within and by the exercise of raising people's awareness, and the group was large, and so gorgeously diverse. even though i still have a moment's pause when i see trans people and hear certain american accents in the room. i also felt like i conducted myself really well, and (perhaps bar not being able to cut short a couple of not-so-relevant personal stories) did the best job of facilitating i've done yet. which probably explains why i spent much of the later part of the evening, after we'd left the bar (where i was still somewhat on 'work time', despite discussing the fact that "your transition's not 'complete' unless you've had a channel four documentary made about you"), babbling inanely to make up for it.
at about 1.30 on wednesday morning, after a slight drama regarding a taxi being called for me while i was finalising plans not to leave oxford, and my resolution of said drama through superbe acting skills, i found myself stood in the street, aw(e)fully (we had a conversation about st paul's and the words awful and... something else and historical specificity) trying to explain that:
'there was a car here'
::puzzled look:: 'whose car?'
'hardcastle's'
'who's hardcastle?'
and on and on.
if it hadn't been bookended by giraffe-walking across the bridge and heart-felt and funny stories about the buildings around us, that look of confusion might've been disappointing rather than cute.
tuesday i started sleep-deprived, i can't sleep well in unfamiliar places, but with a refreshing shower (ours at home is rubbish) and access to the internet for the first time in days. using someone else's computer when it's the same as yours is a strange experience. i then spent a few hours in a coffee shop while my host fulfilled other duties, writing down the things that the previous few hours and days had got me thinking about. it's not an unusual position for me to find myself in, and i enjoy it very much. monday and tuesday were stange in that way, they repeated situations or patterns i've found myself in with other people in the past, almost exactly, but simultaneously very differently. it allows one to think about change and difference in quite a unique way. i wandered around oxford all day, with pauses for food and encounters with an attractive young man and sitting and writing, and finally got on a bus home to london in the late afternoon and spent the journey listening to music and catching mia up about my exploits. it's wonderful to be able to check out from the world for a few days, but even better to know when to call it a day and return to the real world. i'm not entirely sure i'm quite back as yet, but i think that may be more to do with my lack of anything clear to do today than anything else.
resolving this probably calls for a list. |
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| i should think before i comment. |
[Jan. 27th, 2009|08:41 am] |
taken from tobi:
"The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! My choice. For you.
This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:
1. What I create will be just for you.
2. I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!
3. You will receive your item before the end of the year (or sooner).
4. You will have no clue what the item is going to be. It could be a photograph. It could be a piece of handmade jewelry or an embroidery. I may draw, paint, collage or knit something. I might bake you something and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!
5. I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.
The catch? Oh, the catch is that you have to repost this meme and make and send out five surprises of your own." |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 1st, 2009|11:33 am] |
i want to post, have been wanting to for days, but my head is empty. i've thought about nothing for days. weeks maybe.
i'm slipping again... |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 21st, 2008|02:00 pm] |
it's sunday. often i feel very strange on sundays.
right now, i miss a lot of people, terribly. some i've not communicated with for months, others only a day or so, but it's been a long time since i've actually seen, been in the presence of, the majority of them, and the amount of time it will be until the next time i can be with some of them again makes any time passed seem longer. additionally, many of them don't want to be in my life in the way i'd have them be. or aren't aware that i'd like things to be that way. of the simplicity of what i want from them. and some are busy, caught up with one thing that takes up all their time or attention. others might, but simply don't have the time or the means. i suppose in some ways it's complicated because i'm not just asking for a investment of time, but also of emotion. i don't know, i can't quite explain.
right now i want all of them to come lay on my bed with me and chat or watch movies or nap; perch on the kitchen counter and cook with me; sprawl on the livingroom floor talking to the cat; sit on the sofa reading, putting the book down and telling me about it when i come to sit next to them; crowd around the dining room table and debate with and learn from each other; sit on the steps in the garden on the phone to their mother... to be in my home. to be at home in my home. and to each interact with me in the way that's specific to our relationship that i miss. i want to feel thoughtful, inspired, comforted, comfortable, amused, treasured, challenged, appreciated, excited, hopeful, loved; in the ways that they each draw out of me.
this is when refusing normative relationship structures is difficult. i've created a family around me, and all i want from those people is for them to be my family. but they don't know that that's what i want, nor how to be that. |
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| that certain Someone. |
[Dec. 20th, 2008|06:45 pm] |
Someone suggested...
Someone asked me...
As someone put it...
i'm really interested in the fact that i use language in this way, that i refer quite frequently to nameless people when i write, at times telling a lot about a situation without naming someone, which is not what i'm talking about here, but often, using the fact that 'Someone said', as a way of introducing, justifying or clarifying a point.
it could be inferred that the person in question is of no use to the narrative at all. the thing that was said, or the thoughts had in response to a question are the actual subject of debate, the real reason for posting, and 'Someone asked me' is merely a narrative device. on occasion, for example in a comment on another's journal, 'Someone' might be used to shield an identity that for whatever reason it's not appropriate for one to've been having meaningful exchanges with. and that's the crux of it, the 'meaningful' part. the 'Someone' stated, is enough part of my life as to have a hand in developing important thoughts, to ask difficult questions. if they read the blog, they know they are being referred to, if they don't, the style of question asked, or the content of the contribution, makes it clear to anyone else who knows me well enough to count among that number themselves who is being 'Someone'ed.
it's a little like the reverse of the phenomenon which results in calling one's friends or partners by their first name to other friends as opposed to reffering to them as 'my girlfriend', or 'my friend'.
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| "OK I MAKE A NEW MEME NOW"* |
[Dec. 10th, 2008|03:46 pm] |
ok... hmmm...
in relation to my post last night about wanting to do a quiz or questionnaire or something it's been suggested i get myself a meme. so:
1. think of a commonly used list (earth, air, fire, water; the seven deadly sins; rock, paper, scissors; tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor; etc, etc.)
2. come up with a question you'd like me to answer which in some way relates to each of the words.
3. post the list, with questions alongside, in the comments.
4a. i'll post with the questions and my responses.
4b. post these instructions to your own journal.
go.
* i don't tend to write in capslock. this was a direct quote. :-P |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 10th, 2008|12:53 pm] |
i've been thinking about how we reconcile for ourselves, as opposed to with society, holding different beliefs about or understandings of things. the obvious subject to take would be that of gender, and i might mention that a little, but possibly as an example, because so much has already been said about it. i want to talk about relationships though. about partnerships and affairs and love.
I forget when it was, it was before i went to manchester, while i was still working in that open plan office, because i remember discussing it with someone on messenger, but j and i wrote this piece of prose. j wrote me some things in an email and i added to it and took away from it. it was almost an abstract, it began to serve as one. it was going to be the intention behind our next chapter, us both being entirely over writing about the potentialities of queer gender. our lives changed though, and neither of us needed to be writing the papers we had been, neither of us needed that particular focus any more.
This is the myth: that two people meet and become friends. They grow closer and realize they are attracted to one another. They have sex, fall in love, become partners, and care about each other above all else. This is a truth, or closer to it, this is one of (and) many truths: people meet, in groups, in pairs, by chance; they meet, and they think they have already fallen in love, or that they will never get along, or that they will be friends and it will be simple, and they have sex. They mistake sex for love, intensity for love, and friendship and love for each other. Those who have already fallen in love become friends, and those who will never get along fall in love. They have sex in twos, in threes, in other numbers, and then realize they are attracted to one another. People become partners, break up, and then fall in love, all while knowing they will never get along. They have affairs, form relationships simultaneously and one after another, in groups and in pairs; become lovers and friends and family. Build social networks, communities and homes. Some stop having sex and become closer; some cannot tell when they are friends and when they are something 'more.' Others have no idea what could be 'more', if they're honest, but have never thought of having sex with each other. People cannot tell who they care about most, who they would place above all others, and never feel the same things about anyone for more than a few days at a time. For others, nothing changes for years. People are honest, people lie, they are in turns romantic, pragmatic, generous and selfish. We are told in various ways that relationships function on a timeline, a teleological lurching-forward where our thoughts and feelings and the ways in which we think and feel are moving towards some end goal of ultimate connection or knowing; some perfect way of relating. This way of being prioritizes partnerdom above all else as the final or most genuine way of being. It ignores the importance of solitude, of the individual as a complete alone; it reinforces the notion of two people merging as halves of a whole, never fully realising their potential separately; it negates the importance of either self sufficiency or many and varied interactions/relations with others over time. When partnerdom (wc) becomes the perfect goal, the steps an individual needs to take towards their own development, which would actual make them a better One relating to another One, are subsumed by the dream of being another’s other half. We rarely interrogate what we mean when we say 'partner' or that we are 'attracted to' someone, only thinking about it when something intervenes to 'complicate' or 'inconvenience' our current connections with people. And we think of these as complications because we are taught to believe in this timeline and this heterosexist, binary model of relations, but that isn’t and has never been, how things always work out. The lack of temporal regularity or emphasis on an end-goal of relationality is what is most queer about queer relationships. that's all very well. yes. i have queer relationships. i publicly defend them and rarely, if ever, disguise the fact. i'm lucky enough to live in a home and have families and social groups and spaces which support this, if not actively endorse it. i have an academic and a philosophical understanding of the logistics and the rationale. i've read Taormino and i virtually live my life by Rilke's letters. i like to think that Origin of Love and Alain de Botton's Essays in Love are unrealistic and problematic. they are. but things like that still affect me. Written on the Body has me falling in love, but reinforces the normative, binary conception of love. Hands Down and Divine Intervention exemplify and influence how i feel about love and relationships, and as much as the Letters advocate becoming a whole person in and of oneself, they still suggest the relation of one individual person to another. i choose to read this as part of a bigger picture, but, and here i finally get to something like my point, it's hard. it's hard to not want to fall in love with one person and have them be your everything, your other half, and to live happily ever after. even within the context of my current/recent relationships i was reading that potential onto someone, just with the caveat that that most-important-ness would be supplemented by other, different relationships. at the same time i resisted, and still do resist, and don't encourage or try and cultivate, the idea of falling in or being in love with my partner of more than a year. it's only recently i've even told her i love her, and then it's being reinforced as being 'as family'.
i'm a hopeless romantic. that's definitely part of the 'problem'. i want to make someone feel like the most important person in the world, and i want to feel like someone thinks and feels that about me. that might be some kind of a self-worth thing too, eh? but i find that leaves me with one of two options - either make that the case, which isn't practical, is setting oneself up for failure and goes against what i've come to believe, or set up rules and boundaries, more or less real and codified, give someone the rituals of courtship but not your heart, commit your emotions and dreams and fears to someone, let them know you like noone else, but keep them in another city where you can't be absorbed into the drama or the potential disappointment of romance.
i guess one of things that really strikes me though, is the fact that within all of this non-normative-relationships melee, i still wanted, still want, to fall in love with that one person and have them mean the most to me and i them.
i wonder if the reason this is all coming so stiltedly and isn't really developing towards or around a coherent point is that actually that i've already found a way to understand the tension between the fairytale of normative, monogamous, eternal relationships which is so entrenched in everything we ever learn, even when it's shown to fail , and the choice i've made to create a different structure of relationality and relationships. originally i wrote a few more sentences at the end of the last paragraph, i wrote 'i still want Origin of Love', but actually, i don't. i've definitely had the feeling more than once while writing this that maybe it's hard to write because it's not actually an issue i'm grappling with. i've definitely thought: 'that idea whereby our deep connection allows us to have a relationship where we're faithful but not monogamous and allows me to continue having a close bond with this other person... that way of thinking about how we might move through the world as individuals and together... that reconciles these two ways of thinking, doesn't it?'
maybe i just needed to ask the question in order to find 'd already found an answer to it for myself.
when i first wrote, a few days ago, that i wanted to write about 'not needing to be in love and about distraction and about passion', this wasn't the post i was talking about. maybe i'll write that one some other time, it's somewhat connected to this, i should imagine. in a way maybe it was the antithesis, or maybe an antithesis and a segue, because i began to think about this post in relation to my reaction to a conversation with a friend who is besotted with someone. i started thinking about... how i felt about that kind of reaction to a person, i guess. this post is about the complexities of privileging that kind of reaction. and in that moment i decided that i didn't need to be in love. was enjoying not being in love. but then i went on to think that maybe the relations i am having with people are distraction from this not-being-in/allowed-love/the love i want, making me think that maybe i needed to address how romance and pragmatism interact. i'm not so sure either way still.
the girl i have a date with tomorrow has the hedwig tattoo, the one that looks a little like the yin-yang symbol, on the back of her neck. i should probably ask her about that...
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 9th, 2008|11:46 pm] |
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oooh, i want to do some sort of a quiz or questionnaire. i also feel the need to get y'all up to speed somewhat. what's that one where people ask you questions, kinda like an interview? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2008|01:47 pm] |
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yesterday i noted a whole host of things i wanted to write about. i started, and only got as far as the first one.
when i broke up with my second long-term partner it was about having the freedom to create ourselves as people that we couldn't be when we were together. that's one of the reasons why i was so disappointed to run into them this weekend when i was on a reminiscent journey back to my late teens in terms of aesthetic.
i've grown up and changed, even though the more i 'grow up' the more i begin to feel connected with some of the things i thought and felt and believed in back then. and even though it's not until you're not something any more that it's ok to be it occasionally, like the occasional cigarette once you've quit. anyway, that's beside the point.
the reason i bring this up is that i dated someone shortly after that who had this really beautiful ring made out of the handle of a spoon that she always wore.
i always liked the idea of a piece of jewellery, or more than one, that had so much meaning and was so representative of one's character that you wore it all the time. since then, for my 21st, i received a ring from my parents that i asked for, designed, and wear every day, and which i'm about to have altered to exemplify my changing understanding of identity. i've also often suggested that i'm maybe more intentional than some in my collecting signifiers, preferably contradictory, which i wear or display, in order to articulate myself. everything's a sign with me. again, i digress though.
as a result of admiring this ring, and of trying to remind myself to be conscious and intentional in my development of myself as an independent individual, i bought a ring which i still wear to this day.
almost all the time, though it is rather gay to wear a ring on each hand, so occasionally i leave it at home.
i think i need to step up a gear. i think i need re-reminding that i can and should develop myself, diversify, learn, create.
i bought a shower gel and 'eau de toilette' a while ago, maybe almost a year now, because it was called 'activist', and i thought that was quite entertaining. i proceeded to wear it whenever i did a workshop or attended a protest or some other event where i was there as the more-or-less-official nus tranny.
i'm deeply affected by scent, will recognise in the street and could name the ones worn by most people i've been romantically involved with and the ones i wore at different points, always changing when my circumstances changed in some way or another.
eventually though, i seemed to stop. accidentally. i use the shower gel in the shower whether i'm going to be nus-y somewhere or not, and wear my usual scent all the time. the two have become inseparable.
the natural conclusion this true-story-as-metaphor comes to is that my life has been taken over my 'queer shit'. the overall conclusion of all these separate premises is: i need some new symbol to remind myself that i can and should develop outside of this narrow sphere of reference.
i'm going out now; the bank and a haircut, a debate about beauty queens, a womenandtrans space and then good, intentionally-old-fashioned (but a different era than i'm used to for my intentionally old-fashioned interactions) performance and flirtation.
more soon.
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 7th, 2008|08:27 pm] |
i want to write a whole entry about this ring i bought years ago and what it meant and about body art and about one's place in a social group and age and maturity and experience and about how everyone seems to be coming to similar realisations at the moment, and about only being able to see things when you're ready to, and about not needing to be in love and about distraction and about passion and... and i'm just too tired and not articulate enough. i'm tired because i'm old. teenagers and those in their very early twenties don't believe that their boundless energy and ability to function normally on virtually no sleep could ever dissapear, let alone this quickly. but it does.
maybe tomorrow; though i have a really busy week this week, and especially monday. |
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| i needn't mention how essential dreaming is to the character of the rock star |
[Dec. 5th, 2008|10:52 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pensive | ] |
it seems i've started posting again, so, here goes:To days of inspiration,
Playing hookey, making something
Out of nothing, the need
To express-
To communicate,
To going against the grain...
beginning tuesday, i spent 40 hours shut away from the world with three lovely boys (?) on rotation, and three movies full of glitter and music and angst. 40 hours entirely abstracted from the real world and reliving my teenage years when everything was totally-queer-but-i-didn't-know-it; hours influenced by the homoeroticism spent fooling around with play acting and posing and waiting-till-they-turn-their-backs like sixteen year old boys who're just coming into queer consciousness; hours spent relaxing into platonic but no less comfortable cuddles; and 40 hours spent loosing myself in a world of glam and glitter and the urge for drag and passion and make-believe.
we popped corn and covered it in magic, photo-documented makeup-application-as-flirtation, cooked and cleaned stood side-by-side, indulged each other's hopes and fears and foibles, compared photos from our pasts (turns out i only look happy in those where i'm obviously performing the femininity Man is least himself when he talks in his own person, Give him a mask and he'll tell you the truth.) ...created family.
who is it who writes about queers, and particularly trans people, as being in an extended adolescence?
usually coming back to earth after that would be hard, but this time the balance seems just right. i had dinner with a very old friend yesterday who i need to make part of my life again in the way we discussed his having been part of someone else's; but without the sense that i'm holding out for something better. we're going to watch *all* the superhero movies.
we talked on tues-wednes-thursday about the potentially problematic nature of spending a lot of time with people and in places where it's ok to make excuses for oneself, to say 'i'm not up to that right now', or 'that's something i can't do because i have x problem'...
I have emotional problems. I took too many pills. Why are you wearing makeup?
...everyone looks at me so seriously when i say i'm taking time off right now. i don't know how i feel about it, but i know that people i trust and respect have said it's ok, good even, so until they think it's gone too far then this is what i'm going to do. Only those sadnesses are dangerous and bad which one carries about among people in order to drown them out; like sicknesses that are superficially and foolishly treated they simply withdraw and after a little pause break out again the more dreadfully; and accumulate within one and are life, are unlived, spurned, lost life, of which one may die. and while i'm 'off', while i'm ostensibly 'doing nothing', i'm not escaping, i'm reconnecting, i need to figure out what... well, what i'm doing, but also what i want to do.
in the mean time i want to play late at night on swings, dress up and go out, explore new places, hear and see new things, learn about art and music and film, watch more movies, read more books. Maybe just...
Creation
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 1st, 2008|11:17 am] |
i sat at the dinner table last night and discussed how my housemate is growing into the way she used to be, how maybe that was the real her, that the her that the friend from highschool who didn't go to her college who visited for thanksgiving sees might be closer to the real her than she thought. it's superficial things like he no longer wearing as much makeup, but it's also deeper things like her faith and her aspirations.
this weekend i wore an item of clothing such as i'd not worn for at least three, maybe four, years.
just looked over my 'interests' on here, and mostly they've not changed. they've been added to, sure, but the things that have been added i've often worried have taken over and become the only things which i know or can speak about or am interested or engaged by. they're the things i think of first and can't think past. i think that i underestimated myself. i think i just need reminding. i don't want to get lost in any specific world, any one 'verse, as many people i know might characterise it, but i do want to get back to some of the things i enthused about or engaged in before my education and work and sociability and identity all aligned exactly within only one ray. like some kind of backwards prism. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2007|12:42 pm] |
in other news, i just remembered i had this (and other) photo(s) on my work computer, and that i'd like to share it with y'all.
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 15th, 2007|04:34 pm] |
a casual aquaintance of mine who i mainly know as the fag hag to the current LGBT 'president' (used loosely) works behind the counter int the college shop.
vada:
(thoughts in italics)
casual aquaintance: so, what've you been up to?
me: uh, working mainly, applied to grad school...
c.a.: what's that? (ok, fair enough, i'm not actually american, i've just been spending too much time with some)
me: you know, like, a masters degree.
c.a.: oh? what in?
me: gender. at manchester.
c.a.: what's that then? (what's what? gender?!)
me: you know, gender studies.
c.a.: is that, like, psychology and stuff?
me: i guess...it's kinda sociology (anthropology, geography, history, literary studies, theology, etc), it's a lot of things, it's really interdisciplinary.
c.a.: yeah! like it could even be media! like how films are always filmed through male eeyyees.
me: yeah, so, thanks. seeya. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 12th, 2007|01:36 pm] |
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is it wrong that i'd quite like to be, or at least sound like...no, be, Lil' Chris? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2006|10:24 am] |
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yeah, so those things, they were symptoms of something larger. a something that has now been cut out. apparently things are better off this way, in fact, i think it's better to not be together than to try and be when we're not both comfortable. just kinda thought i should mention that this has happened. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2006|04:54 pm] |
a million and one things have happened, and more people know about it or are involved in it than should be. and i don't know where to start because i don't know how much to tell or in what order or what's important and what's not any more. i don't have to worry so much about there not being a record if i don't lj any more, a dear friend has somehow let herself in for it and we discuss the current state of affairs each morning on google messenger, so i can go back to it one day (and laugh) and can even search by key-word. and it changes day to day, oh does it change.
j and i are still together, but now living apart (though we were never 'officially' living together, we were), she is involved with el now, who she met at conference and i was hoping to be friends with but nevermind. i'm kinda running around with b, who j was seeing for a while before it got a little complicated when too many emotions got involved. the reason, or one of, that we're running around like this is that as things were winding up with j and b, i met sam, and ran around with her for a little bit, got jess jealous and involved in that one and then ran a mile when she stopped playing by my rules. by this point it was apparently apparent that we had an open relationship, so i accidentally succumbed to b's adances while jess went off with zoe.people got upset and pissed off right left and centre, but we repeated it all a week later, with some substitutions.
i'm no longer making sense, even to myself, so that's as much as you're getting for now. in other news i've also become a personal tutor (to one of the above (!)), am going through a process of personal reassessment, am going to manchester to investigate masters programmes on wednesday and am witnessing at the civil partnership of one of my best friends in january, one who's probably all too familiar with scenarios such as the one above.
out. |
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